GRrrrAaaCEEEEEEEEEe hahahahahaha
i’m thinking.... | back/forth | ur thinking....
7:58PM
Today three songs came out. SINGLES. Thringle day. It’s like it’s their first day at school, and I was just home all day hoping they were making friends out in the world.
It’s good. It’s a new time. I’m wearing white jeans, a white button down collarless shirt, and a navy blue cropped cardigan with a million buttons. I saw that movie After The Hunt, and got very inspired by Julia Roberts’ character’s style. I wore this today to feel professional and smart.
Last night, I went out to dinner with Amanda - we went to Bar Oliver in the city. It was yum. Croquettes, steak, and a green salad. Diet Coke with a lemon. We shared a car back to bk and got out near Barclay’s. I decided to walk or citi bike home, so I headed away from Barclay madness, and was like, oh I should walk down Dean and walk past the house I lived in at the end of high school! So I walked down Dean, walking on the opposite side of the street from the apartment we lived in, and suddenly I feel as though I’ve been pushed or tripped by someone. My feet stop working. I’m stumbling as my heels are turning over, and I’m realizing damn I’m falling rn. I fall to the pavement in a SMACK. Skidded up my palms and knee. It was soooo weird. I mean, it’s normal to fall but like.....not really. It felt spooky. ALSO a lady straight up walked past me when I was on the ground. I’m like, bitch even if you think I’m drunk like, you say nothing?? People are so fucking weird. Some of my favorite nyc memories have come out of asking people “r u good?” Save us, Mamdani!!!
Anyways. I’m happy to have these songs out. I think it was a good day for them. I am choosing to interpret the falling incident as a good sign. It was a message saying: don’t look back. Sometimes you need a push out of living in the past - stop dwelling. The only path is forward. The only way out is through. It’s easy to romanticize my memories and my troubles and woes of yore, so sometimes I do need a little push. I don’t need to linger outside of places I used to live in, people I used to be. Gots to keep going!!
You think I sound crazy now - meet me in a week after I’ve done half of my two week unlimited Kundalini yoga classes for 25$. Yes I just booked that shit. Maybe it’ll help me. Idk why honestly, I just felt called like maybe it’ll open me up and keep me centered af. Worst case scenario I get a good story out of it. Moonlight mile just started playing in the sopranos ep I’m watching. That might be the best song.
Thanks for listening and caring. I love you.
The moon is so bright right now. Wind is humming very loud. November! I’ve been watching Sopranos. I’ve been eating Bao Buns from Hong Kong Supermarket - steaming them in my fancy new rice cooker (zojirushi cmon now). I was Ripley from Alien for Halloween. I’m reading Pet Semetary by Stephen King. Gonna vote 4 Zohran tomorrow. I’ve been making stickers for my computer/life. Been sleeping with an ikea sheepskin under my back. I HAVE THREE SONGS COMING OUT THIS FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 7TH. I’ve been on my phone constantly looking at photos and videos of myself non stop. It’s fun and cool to have days revolve around photos, edits, music, videos, picture, sound, all that stuff. I’ve gotten better at speaking my mind (I’m just str8 up annoying), and I’ve been trying to be more wary of my “Critic.” Sometimes my critic speaks from a place of being uncomfortable with my face and body, and sometimes it’s cool and talks about color, composition, and iconic-ness-ability. Trying to stay with the latter. Saw a vid of a girl say something like “your pix suck bc you’re choosing the one where u look the smallest and not the one where u look the best.” Cool!
My bf’s therapist (swag) gave a really good breakdown of the creative process. If I remember right..there are 4 roles: The Explorer, The General, The Soldier, and The Critic. The explorer’s job is to go out and collect ideas, look for inspiration, have fun thinking and dreaming. No limits, no rules, just exploring. The General has the plan, the bigger picture and tells the soldier what to do. The Soldier makes. The Soldier doesn’t worry about it being good enough, that’s The Critic’s job.
The most important thing I always have to remind myself of is that The Soldier is NOT The Critic!! The explorer searches and makes connections without critiquing, and the soldier makes without critiquing. It’s hard - but trying to stay in one role at a time is helpful to the mind. My mind. Let’s add another: the friend - the one that is really nice about everything you make, who says you’re doing amazing.
I spent the last two years making (new) music. I think it’s really good. We were gonna put out singles, but then Dean introduced the concept of a “thringle.” My THRINGLE is called “SINGLES” and it is not an EP. This is the future, baby! I feel like Tracy’s wife, Angie, on 30 Rock with her single called, “My Single Is Dropping.”
Ariel said it should be called, “My Three Sons,” which is....really good, and I am trying not to have regrets.
The three songs ARE: Avalanche, Dance With Me, and My Mans. Three beauties. Avalanche is like boom boom, why am i like this, i used to be awesome, weeeeeeeeeee. Dance With Me is like get me out of here, I love you, I’m going without you, I am destructive, lalala. My Mans is like, god damn I have a deep dark problem of needing everyone to like me and think I’m pretty which puts me so in my head and makes me lonely and insane.
November 7th is a good release date. It feels solid. I like that it’s these three songs. It would be cool if it was all of them, but easy does it. Need people to want to listen lol. They will want to listen!!!! Yer.
New York is cold. Leaves are almost all gone off my favorite tree in the yard. I have a cute little rash/dry patch on my face next to my mouth :). I’ve been using only vanicream, which is so boring, but doctor’s orders. I’ve been burning those little “incence of the west” blocks. They smell like fire, and remind me of when my family lived on Dean/3rd ave. Might be time to bring back Smudge by heretic. I’ve been listening to really quiet moody ambient-ish(?) music, like that Joanne Robertson album that absolutely hits every single day. Durutti Column, Joy Division, those Cate Le Bon & Group Listening songs. Stuff likeeee Nivhek (just found), this guy Doug Firebaugh, Grouper, even! Why not! Juliana Barwick with the lights off, two candles lit, yoga mat padded with a blanket and sheepskin, smoke in the air, window cracked the tiniest bit, eyes closed, supported fish with reclined butterfly legs. That’s my shit right there.
Well, wish me and my phone good luck. Big week ahead. I’m gonna stay positive and chill and zen and cozy about putting out new music for the first time in 3 years. I did it for me and you and I think we’re both gonna be happy and healthy and successful.
3:31PM
Okayyyy. Back to life, back to reality. I feel like I’ve been on the phone for the past 4 days. Probably what normal people with jobs feel like. What a rush. Thank god I feel alive enough to participate in the grind. After four infusions, my iron has been restored from a 6 back up into the 100 range.
Well, I woke up at noon today, FML, so embarrassing. At least in the music biznus 12pm means 9am in LA, so I didn’t miss much. WhateverWhattaYaGonnaDoRight
I’ve just come back to NYC from a whirlwind of a little road trip. Flew to LA and set off with some cool people to see places liiiiike: the Trona Pinnacles, Area 51, Hotel Amargosa, Vegas, etc!! I can’t put all my content eggs in one content basket, so I’ll just show some cool stuff from Area 51, cuz it’s fall in NYC and I’m rewatching X-Files. Spooky season. ((((this is a cool website for X-Files fans))))
You can’t GO to Area 51 (lame), so when I say I went there, I mean I went to the “Alien Travel Center.” It’s a gift shop with endless alien merch and a surprisingly bomb ass sandwich place in the back. The sandwich part looks like if an old diner got turned into a break-room for the SETI group. The tables were covered with these sunfaded plastic picnic cloths that I’m very inspired by....the idea of spraying tablecloths with bleach / making it look sunfaded sounds beautiful to me.
--- Reminding me of a time when I was waiting tables at a wine bar and the manager had us clean with a diluted bleach mix cuz red wine + white tables = mess. I had to turn a table really quick so I cleared it, wiped it down and then sat this good looking late 30s, very Carroll Gardens couple - the table was still kinda wet :-D. Then I come back and they’re like UM EXCUSE ME!!!!! And I see that the guy’s (nice) sweater has been stained with a big smudge of bleach from him leaning up against the table. Pretty fucked up. They were like “you clean with fucking bleach?” and I just had to stand there like ...
:( yeah. I comp’d their meal and they left a terrible review, which is the least they could do. They could have gone off on me wayyyy more. ---
Um so at the Alien Travel Center I got an Alien Mug, Alien Shirt, Alien NY State ID, a little jar of Area 51 dirt, and a sticker. Oh and a pen that I left in LA fml. I want a shirt that says “I WANT TO BELIEVE,” I think it’s fabric-marker-o-clock!
It’s very cozy in my room right now. I’m watching this netflix show where people tell their personal ghost stories. I just ordered chicken pad se ew and a Diet COke. Five little lamps lit, pink and orange light everywhere. Cold air coming through the window. Wearing a hoodie that I once tried to embroider a skull and cross bones on, but I gave up, so it’s just a strange alien head (on theme). Also wearing my brother’s lightly/barely used socks from high school that are from that skate company Independent lol. I feel aligned with the alien aesthetic I’m seeing as I gather pictures for this post. Cold and glowing.
I keep forgetting to read this book of short stories, “I Am Alien To Life,” by Djuna Barnes. I’m moved by the title alone. I feel alien to life sometimes. My therapist and I have been talking about how I always feel on the outside of something. I feel far away sometimes - like isolation has turned me into an outsider / alien (the drama). I get all locked up. caught up in comparing myself to others. Like sometimes when I’m with people, I get so in my head about my ability to be IN the moment and connecting with people. I feel pulled away from openness, something closing me up and moving me towards judgement. I get so mean to myself thinking like, “everyone else is able to be present and access a comfort and confidence, what’s wrong with me.” Blahhhh. Fear of rejection, release me. Self sabotage be gone. Self esteem, rise! Acutally I’m like getting way too dark rn like chillll. I’m literally fine. The joke about me is that I always think there’s something wrong with me. It’s sometimes funny, sometimes sad. Like what I’m describing is like social anxiety(?) and the real issue is that I always think something is so wrong about me. Instead of just feeling awkward I’m like..“i feel weird, I must be sick in the head and alien to life.” Shhh. Honestly maybe my fancy new iron levels will negate all these feelings and I’ll just BE myself again. I kinda do feel myself returning... like actually my attitude and energy this past week has been spunky asf. Also realizing: I’m not the alien, I have an alien IN ME who is gonna come out laproscopically in November!! Mega Fibroid. I’ll talk ab that later maybe lolz.
Another alien titled book that I liked is “Homesick for Another World,” by Ottessa Moshfegh. It’s some of her short stories. They pretty gooood. Dude I tried to sign up for her substack, like the paid version, why was it like 200 bucks LOL. Mad respect. Also why am I now watching haunting of hill house..kinda feeling it but why are there like seven stories happening.
Tomorrow is Saturday so I don’t have to beat myself up for not waking up before 10am (but fr i have to start waking up earlier). And I gotta see that god damn freaking paul thomas anderson movie. Everyone I know has seen it like 4 times.
My goals for tomorrow are to go for a nice long walk..maybe do the promenade, try to make something for that sync but if it becomes frustrating and awful cuz of interface issue then chill, look into getting my Juno fixed, read The Shards, make meatballs, text some friends, watch hill house I guess. Actually, my goal is to just do ONE of these things.
Goodbye for now
I believe!!
Peace Peace Peace.
( ◣ _ ◢ ) .𖥔 ݁ ˖<3 <3 <3 .˳·˖✶𓆩𓁺𓆪✶˖·˳.
1:12am
I’m probably gonna come back to this later. Watching this Ed Gein show on an ipad propped on the bed by my right foot. Ass but I will watch all of it ugh. Today felt like a wash. I have so much shit to do. I’m very overwhelmed. I’m gonna keep writing this tomorrow. Hopefully I wake up at 9am and not 12pm. I’m kinda on LA time? Tried coconut chocolate flavored Pocky just now. Pretty damn good. I’ll be right back.
1:04am
Going to LA in like 4 hours. I have to sleep. AH! Goodnight website. Talk to you later. XOXOXOXOXOXO
11:44pm
Friday. I was gonna go to a BBQ, cuz for a minute earlier I was feeling like this, but then around 2pm I faded into bleh. Dealing with so much medical stuff. Makes me scared and sad..but also I keep saying “I’m so strong” to myself and I think it’s helping my spirits, but still I feel lame for cancelling on everyone all the time. I just feel like all I can handle in between medical planning and music work is watching movies, reading, collaging, and playing piano. Kid stuff lol.
I’m watching that Netflix show, Adolescence right now...it’s...okay. Needing a new show BAD rn.
I have this show on because I thought it would be mindless and last forever, which is always what I want on when I’m collaging.
I had some post-its I wanted to immortalize via collage.
I’ve been making keychains lately, mostly, but I try to keep a sort of collage-diary in my Traveler’s Journal (iykyk). I want to go to Yoseka tomorrow to re-up on some inserts, and replace my favorite pen that just ran out of ink. It’s so tiny. It’s got nothing on my actual favorite pen, which is my Twisbi Eco with a Stub nib. UGH it’s too good. Effortless calligraphy vibes.
I need some new good collage material. I love the texture of magazine paper, but I only really have old playboys to work from, and they are pretty one note, lol. Good colors in the 80s ads but I wanna EXPAND. Gonna look on ebay..the best search term, I think, is “ephemera.” Reminder to do a round-up of all the scattered scraps of “ephemera” from my own life in my house. I love collaging my random tickets, lists, and receipts into my journal.
OK I’m feeling pretty brain dead. I feel like I’m writing like an 8th grader. I have a memory from 4th grade of trying to remember the word “last,” while writing an essay I had titled, “Yesterday Night.” I feel like that right now. Proabably from all the iron I’m losing as I sit here bleeding bleeding bleeding. Bleh. I added a little collection of cute stuff from zines on the internet archive that I found. And some scans of my journal collaging.
The people in this british show are screaming. Hurts me head. My only goals for tomorrow are to sweat and think positive. OH and do outfit planning for my LA trip (content farming).
Goodnight moon.
I’m doing this as a test to see if I can pull off having a website. Pull off not the right way to say it. Whatever. Trying to make a website...
I wanted to make a blogspot, but I think this might actually be easier somehow?
Anyways, ummmmm.... That guy, Charlie Kirk died today. Second video of someone being killed I’ve seen in a year. When was Luigi? Last December, that’s right. I don’t think I currently have anything interesting to say about assassination, or assassination videos for that matter. I think all the dead girl town shows and dexter reboots I’ve watched have left me pretty ... numb/dumb? That and seeing daily footage of the genocide of Palestinians, police violence/murder, evil administration updates, seeing people being kidnapped and sent to Venezuelan prisons - families torn apart, kids dying, students being killed, and so on and so on and so on. It adds up. Everything is violent. Thick thick layer of dirt we’re all living under.
“Sitting under that same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air” comes to mind <3.
I just got a copy of the bell jar that the seller says is first american edition, but it was 25$ so I REALLY doubt it. But it feels old, and it’s beautiful and the chill in the air is telling me to do an annual re-read. Reminder to bring my SAD lamp out of the basement. Actually, I’m so “SAD” that the lamp has been sitting in the hallway asking to be put away for a year now. Tee hee.
In a yoga video I like to do, the teacher, Kiesha Battles, says:
1. May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes.
2. May all sentient beings be free of suffering and its causes.
3. May all sentient beings not be seperated from sorrowless bliss.
4. May all sentient beings abide in equinimity free of bias, attachment, and anger.
The four immeasurables. I find myself saying them, or a version of them, when I see something really upsetting.
I didn’t say them when I watched that video earlier. Hmm.
Broken ponies in my stable.
Speaking of books (kind of?), I’m an E-Reader these days. Vomit. Here’s my hack: Annas-archive.org - I donate like, 10/20 bucks to get faster downloads cuz I am impatient and love to pay for things. It’s an archive of a bajillion e-books, pdfs, etc, and they have like scientific “journals” or whatever you call academic papers. It’s been life changing. I got a kindle cuz I thought it was like, you pay for a kindle, then you get to download books for free. How foolish I was.
I don’t totally fuck with not paying for books...so i buy a real copy if I liked reading it. I’m gonna keep using ebay as my bookstore. There’s some pretty cheap and beautiful options on there.
I wanted an incense house yesterday and didn’t want an ugly amazon one, so I went on etsy and found a cute store that had cheap junk. I’ll add pics of my haul (ceramic dogs, incense house, trivet, old matchbooks). If I had a car, I’d be shopping at MyUniques in Jersey. Etsy and ebay r cool for now. No more amazon. It’s enough. Return to patience.
Well, I really need to go clean my room. I’ve been sitting here in the “Studio” with Hannibal playing. I’ve never watched this show before. I think I’m on ep 4 now....could not tell you what it is about, what is going on, who anyone is.
I feel called to making sure the feng shui of my room is OKAY. The first step is cleaning. I saw a (DEFINITELY AI) video of a man saying that a messy room means loss of money. It spooked me. I destroyed my closet trying to take outfit pics to send to a creative director as we try to decide WHO I AM. I have been crying and throwing very bizarre tantrums spiraling around insecurity and expectations. My iron level is a 20. I got it up from a 6, but I have to keep remembering that that is NOT HELPING MY MENTAL HEALTH.
GOALS FOR TOMORROW :
1. See Mom & Grandma Kitty
2. Do Yoga / Sweat
3. Take more photos
4. Grocery shop & cook the chicken that’s in the fridge
5. Really try to go to frost children show even tho it’s at 11pm
6. Do this again (website)